Posts tagged ‘Satire’
Excerpt from “Under Pressure: The UCI Law School Musical”
NARRATOR: Law school, even “the ideal law school for the 21st century,” has a tendency to bring out the worst in people, particularly as finals approach (which basically applies to every day (except maybe during orientation). Although I made a lot of lifelong friends and opened many doors, law school became quite a struggle, especially during the final semester. The most common problematic themes I witnessed during my three-year stint were entitlement, lack of self-reflection, hidden insecurities, “Mean Girl” behavior, and . . . oh yes . . . greed.
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BRAD: Thank you so much for meeting with me, Ricky. I really appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule.
RICKY: No problem! Actually, things are super chill this year, what with my federal clerkship and firm job taken care of. I don’t even bother to go to any of my classes. What are they gonna do . . . not let me graduate and help boost this school’s graduation rate and reputation?
BRAD: That’s exactly why I think you’re the guy to talk to. I mean, some of the 3Ls have positions with A-/B+ firms. But Remington, Orr, Young, Gibson, Boyd, Irving & Vance is an A+ firm.
RICKY: Well, you’re right about that. Quite frankly, I didn’t come to law school to work 80 plus hours a week for an A- or—God forbid—B+ firm. Besides, the A+ firms have the deepest pockets. [winks]
[dollar signs flash in BRAD’s eyes]
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John Boehner’s Doppelgänger
Is it the tangerine hue of his skin? Or the antagonistic look in his green eyes? Our beloved Speaker of the House sure does resemble Scar, the villain from The Lion King.
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Lolly Gaga’s Weight Loss Tips
- Go on the two-finger diet – that way, you can have your cake and not eat it, too! (Says Lolly Gag-gag)
- Contract mono, pneumonia, or the bubonic plague.
- Scrape off your taste buds with a straight razor.
- Get hooked on crack, speed, or methamphetamine.
- Chop off a limb or two, but make sure to purchase dismemberment insurance first. The larger the limb, the greater the weight loss.
- Squeeze out massive pus tumor on your back.
- Remove excess organs: appendix, tonsils, one kidney, etc.
I have one query for those who find these tips extreme: How badly do you really want to be skinny?!
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Ding! Dong! The Witch Has Fled: Sarah Palin Throws in the Towel
I smell a real scandal a-brewin’. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from the Alaskan governorship yesterday from her Wasilla home, but her reasons for leaving office with only 18 months to go made little sense. Perhaps that voodoo doll I made during the presidential election finally did its job! She’s loading her ever-burgeoning family onto her broomstick and getting the fuck out of dodge.
Many are speculating that Palin’s presidential aspirations have inspired this decision, but she would have plenty of time to campaign for the 2012 election if she saw her position through. Also, no one likes a quitter. She might as well have resigned from politics altogether.
Palin stated that accepting “lame duck status” is “not what is best for Alaska.” I would argue, however, that there’s a real appeal to a political leader who doesn’t seek re-election. Instead of being motivated by future votes, one could make decisions based completely on public interest. Not pursuing a second term is never a legitimate or sufficient excuse for ending the first term prematurely.
It’s also important to remember that in the Alaskan primaries, the lieutenant governor runs on a separate ticket from the governor. U.S. presidential candidates, if nominated by their respective parties, get to choose their running mates; governors don’t. Although both are members of the Republican Party, Lieutenant Governor Parnell and Governor Palin could represent very different constituencies.
My conclusion is that Sarah Palin (aka Satan with a Snatch) has an ulterior motive. Possible explanations?
- Palin slept with former-potential-son-in-law, Levi, and is carrying his child, so she has two choices: She can have a clandestine abortion or become the mother of her grandchild’s uncle (think about it).
- Todd slept with Levi and got caught.
- Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh had a threesome and got caught.
- Sarah Palin had a threesome with John and Cindy McCain and got caught.
- Somebody recorded Palin making racial and homophobic slurs while drunk and high.
- Palin embezzled money to fuel her crack addiction.
- Inspired by Tina Fey’s savvy impersonations, Palin plans to pursue an acting career.
- Palin misses her flying monkeys and Alaska-sized cauldron, so she must return to Oz post-haste.
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The Lollygabber 
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