The Lollygabber

Ding! Dong! The Witch Has Fled: Sarah Palin Throws in the Towel

July 4, 2009 at 10:49 am 4 comments

I smell a real scandal a-brewin’. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from the Alaskan governorship yesterday from her Wasilla home, but her reasons for leaving office with only 18 months to go made little sense. Perhaps that voodoo doll I made during the presidential election finally did its job! She’s loading her ever-burgeoning family onto her broomstick and getting the fuck out of dodge.

Many are speculating that Palin’s presidential aspirations have inspired this decision, but she would have plenty of time to campaign for the 2012 election if she saw her position through. Also, no one likes a quitter. She might as well have resigned from politics altogether.

Palin stated that accepting “lame duck status” is “not what is best for Alaska.” I would argue, however, that there’s a real appeal to a political leader who doesn’t seek re-election. Instead of being motivated by future votes, one could make decisions based completely on public interest. Not pursuing a second term is never a legitimate or sufficient excuse for ending the first term prematurely.

It’s also important to remember that in the Alaskan primaries, the lieutenant governor runs on a separate ticket from the governor. U.S. presidential candidates, if nominated by their respective parties, get to choose their running mates; governors don’t. Although both are members of the Republican Party, Lieutenant Governor Parnell and Governor Palin could represent very different constituencies.

My conclusion is that Sarah Palin (aka Satan with a Snatch) has an ulterior motive. Possible explanations?

• Palin slept with former-potential-son-in-law, Levi, and is carrying his child, so she has two choices: She can have a clandestine abortion or become the mother of her grandchild’s uncle (think about it).
• Todd slept with Levi and got caught.
• Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh had a threesome and got caught.
• Sarah Palin had a threesome with John and Cindy McCain and got caught.
• Somebody recorded Palin making racial and homophobic slurs while drunk and high.
• Palin embezzled money to fuel her crack addiction.
• Inspired by Tina Fey’s savvy impersonations, Palin plans to pursue an acting career.
• Palin misses her flying monkeys and Alaska-sized cauldron, so she must return to Oz post-haste.

Entry filed under: Politics, Ranting. Tags: News, Politics, Satire.