How to Sing “Happy Birthday” in Spanish
The Spanish version of “Happy Birthday” is more poetic than what we usually sing in English. Have you ever stopped to think that the “Happy Birthday” song only contains six different words, including a proper noun? It’s about as simplistic as they come, so here’s a new jingle to learn and practice on your celebrating friends and loved ones:
De las velas las luces
Ellas quieren decir
Que tú tengas, Carlito,
Cumpleaños feliz
The great thing is that, while the lyrics are in another language, the music stays the same. Loosely translated, the “Feliz Cumpleaños” song says:
The lights from the candles
Would like to wish you, Charlie,
A happy birthday!
I know: It’s much more poetic in Spanish, as it lends itself more readily to the traditional tune.
Now all I need is someone to teach me the song in Arabic!
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ACLU Presents Case of Savana Redding to US Supreme Court
When she was 13, Savana Redding endured a humiliating strip-search (in which she had to bare her breasts and genitalia) after a classmate falsely accused her of possessing ibuprofen pills. The school officials who instigated this traumatic event violated Redding’s civil rights and betrayed the trust and respect of the parents and students of Safford United School District.
Most news articles regarding this event and its aftermath criticize the school officials for acting so rashly on uncorroborated evidence. While I agree that using mere accusations to justify a strip-search is completely uncalled for, I think the act of forcing children to reveal their private parts for any reason needs to be seriously examined. If Redding had been accused of bringing cocaine to school, I still think other avenues of interrogation and corroboration should have been explored. After all, if the officials had found ibuprofen pills on Redding’s person, the civil rights of a child would have still been violated. Which is worse: Possessing prescription-strength painkillers on school grounds…or forcing a minor to show her body parts to adults?
The other issue this case brings up is that of the “war on drugs.” I remember when, as a middle and high school student, I received explicit instructions (punishable by the wrath of God) not to keep any kind of drug in my backpack, locker, or car. Even asthmatics had to check their inhalers in at the nurse’s office. I was so used to this rule that I endured all of college without using Advil, Tylenol, etc. (it was second-nature not to pick it up at the drugstore without first consulting an adult). Shouldn’t the school have spent more time handing out condoms than taking away aspirin?
And now I’ve been hearing all these ads about how terrible marijuana is and how it will ruin your life. “Above the Influence” commercials air on any TV station that caters to the “under 30” demographic. I recognize that weed, in addition to being illegal (which it shoudn’t be, but that’s for another time), impairs ones ability to drive and operate heavy machinery. That said, shouldn’t we be spending our publicly-funded advertising dollars on preventing the use of drugs like heroin and speed? Again, which is worse: Allowing a bunch of potheads to binge on Doritos and Ding Dongs after school…or overlooking a group of students snorting coke in the locker room?
This morning, the US Supreme Court heard arguments from Savana Redding’s attorney with the ACLU. From one woman to another, I commend the young lady (six years have passed since that fateful day) for having the courage to pursue justice.
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Collecting Shells
(written May 2002)
Collecting shells
Some people spend most of their trip to the beach
Doing it
Others, occasionally
The best thing
To do
Is stand right where
The ocean’s brim meets the shore
Each wave
Brings in the new
And replaces the old
Shells
Many options
Limited time
Few worth putting in the bucket
One, in particular
Might catch the eye
But seen hitting
The bottom of the pail
Already has lost
Its luster
The pretty ones are always the broken ones
The plain white,
Complete
Shape, size, color, texture
Smell, taste?
All taken into account
The bar rises
As the collection increases
Carelessness,
Selectivity?
There it is!
It
The
One
Floating, lingering
In the foam
Fluttering, fumbling, tumbling,
Hiding?
Whether or not the imagination’s figment
The Moon speeds up the tide
And on One
The
It
Slides past
With the next wave
Out of reach
Out of dive
Out of mind
Out of sight
So good
That it is missed
Without being experienced
Let’s ignore the
Sandcastles
And plastic shovels,
White tummies,
SPF 30
Sometimes the best ones get away.
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“I Hate You So Much Right Now”: Feminine Angstiest Songs #2
Kelis’s “Milkshake” brings all the boys to the yard, but her rhymes in “Caught Out There” put them in their places. She dedicates the song to “all the women out there/that been lied to by their men/over and over again” and admits “maybe you didn’t break the way you shoulda broke, yo, but I break.”
From her 1999 debut album Kaleidoscope, “Caught Out There” paved the way for the cocky and confrontational lyrics of “Bossy” (featuring Too $hort) and “In Public” (featuring husband Nas). In fact, when Kelis declares herself “the first girl to scream on a track” in “Bossy,” she’s referring to exercising her irate shouting skills in “Caught Out There”: “I hate you so much right now / I hate you so much right now / I hate you so much right now / Ahhhhhhhhh!” Kelis repeats the angsty chorus no less than seven times and outdoes Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” with threats like, “So sick of your games / I’ll set your truck to flames / And watch it blow up, blow up / (Tell me how you gonna see her now?).” I certainly think that’s worse than taking “a Louisville Slugger to both headlights!”
It may seem like I’m hating on my man right now, but that’s not the case at all. I do, however, feel severe animosity toward “The Man.” He can go fuck himself. And I’m grateful to “the one that’s tattooed on his arm” for giving me an outlet to vent my ire through.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Excerpt from “Those Bright College Years”
My gregarious Californian roommate, Evelyn*, decided to throw a Jilted Lovers’ Party the weekend after Valentine’s Day. Not yet into the party scene, I took a backseat role in planning the festivities. I did, however, suggest we write enticing messages (think alternative conversation hearts) on the heart-shaped helium balloons lining the walls and staircase. “Fuck Me” and “69” seemed to go over pretty well.
Still high from dancing the night away with Johnny* at the Sadie Hawkins dance, I emailed him an invite to the party. He responded that he would likely arrive a bit late since his improv comedy group had an after party that same night. I kept my heavily-lined eyes peeled for him as I danced listlessly in my black faux-leather mini and tiger skin top. The girls across the hall volunteered their suite for serving mixed drinks, and our common room doubled as the dance floor and hook-up room.
Apparently, word of the party spread like an STD at a brothel because hoards of people arrived to take advantage of the free alcohol. People impatiently filled the 5-floor entryway, even half an hour after the drinks ran out. Swarms of disappointed partygoers ended up on the dance floor by default in their failed escape attempt. I frantically scanned the room for signs of Johnny, but I felt hopeless and overwhelmed by the crowds of students eagerly awaiting inebriation and/or orgasm.
The campus police must have arrived around 12:30 to bust up the party. They couldn’t care less about the serving of alcohol by minors to other under-aged drinkers. Someone had supposedly called and complained about the noise level, so the music and, therefore, fun, had to end. And still no Johnny. I felt like the girl who bought a new dress and make-up set in eager anticipation of the middle school dance, just to watch her recent purchases gather dust as she assumed the wallflower position throughout the 180 minute session of swaying, giggling, and back-of-the-gym exploration.
My whole body seemed to droop as I dejectedly helped clean up the spilled liquor and red plastic cups. A few of the guests from my residential college announced that they were heading over to a frat house. Having only been to one fraternity party, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to expand my social horizons. Later that night, out of desperation and a low sense of self-worth, I made the first in a series of life-altering mistakes.
*For privacy purposes, some names and minor details have been changed.
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The hole through my lip
Forget the green beer!
Book of the Month: “East of Eden”
“It is probable that if [Charles] had found [Adam] that night he would have killed him, or tried to. The direction of a big act will warp history, but probably all acts to the same in their degree, down to a stone stepped over in the path or a breath caught at the sight of a pretty girl or a fingernail nicked in the garden soil.”
-John Steinbeck, East of Eden
The Simpsons Halloween Special from several years ago explores the repercussions of time travel when Homer serendipitously discovers that his broken toaster can take him back into the Paleolithic era. During his first visit, he slaps and kills a mosquito as it lands on the back of his neck. When he returns home, his family and Earth as he knows it has dramatically changed. After a series of trips to the period of the dinosaurs, he finds that the modern world around him alarmingly alters in very different ways whether he slays a pterodactyl and tyrannosaurus rex or if he merely steps on a twig and breaks it. Knowing that his presence and seemingly insignificant interactions during time travel will inevitably affect the future, he settles for a life that most closely resembles his pre-toaster adventures, save for his family members’ use of amphibious tongues at the dinner table.
This pop cultural example demonstrates the irreversible impact events of the past have on the present and future. Whether major or insignificant, incidents prompt a domino effect without particular rhyme, reason, consistency, or predictability. In East of Eden, Steinbeck reflects upon mundane events as much as he does on formative moments in a character’s life. That the reader is rarely bored by Steinbeck’s expository passages is evidence of his talent as a writer.
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Oscar Moments and Quotes
Best Supporting Actress: Penélope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Once she positioned herself behind the podium, Spanish sensation Cruz squealed in delight and warned that she might actually faint. At the conclusion of her acceptance speech, she spoke in Spanish. I will paraphrase her message: To all the Spanish speakers in the world and all those from my country, I share this award with you.
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight
Along with Danny Boyle’s Best Director trophy for Slumdog Millionaire, this was the least surprising award of the night. Many would agree that Ledger’s Oscar for Best Supporting Actor also symbolized the accolades he should have received for his leading role in Brokeback Mountain. As recognized by his immediate family, this award was all-the-more meaningful in that it honored his final film and, in a large sense, his career in its entirety. Kim Ledger, Heath’s father, said that the Academy Award “would have humbly validated Heath’s determination to be validated […] within an industry he so loved.”
Best Actress: Kate Winslet in The Reader (although the Academy certainly had Revolutionary Road in mind as well when casting votes)
When introducing the actress, Marion Cotillard acknowledged Winslet’s “passion, vulnerability, and extraordinary depth.” As she beheld the golden figurine in her hands, Winslet declared, “Well, it’s not a shampoo bottle now.” She had dreamt of this moment since childhood, occasionally using bathroom objects to help her mimic an acceptance speech in front of the mirror.
Best Actor: Sean Penn in Milk
Robert Deniro introduced Penn as a man who puts everything into his work: “Sean Penn, the actor, loses himself in every role.” In the most political speech of the night, Penn urged, “We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone.” He described himself as “grateful to be living in a country that is willing to elect an elegant man as president.”
Honorable Mention of the Night: Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler
Sir Ben Kingsley asked the audience of the 81st Annual Academy Awards, “Why do we care for a bleach-blond battered bruiser? Well, there’s one reason: Mickey Rourke.” He then addressed the actor directly: “We’re better off having you in the ring. Welcome back, the returning champ, Mickey Rourke.” While Rourke did not win the coveted Oscar, he did take home a Golden Globe just weeks before. During the after show with Barbara Walters, Rourke admitted that, while winning the Oscar would be an honor, “at the end of the day, you can’t eat it, you can’t fuck it, and it won’t get you into heaven.”
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When Bad Things Happen to Bad People
When bad things happen
To bad people, I exult.
When good things happen…
The Lollygabber 
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