The LG Curve
I recently asked one of my law school classmates if he had heard of the “LG Curve.” He shook his head and said, “I took statistics in college, so I should remember, but…”
When I realized he was slightly embarrassed about his “ignorance,” I confessed it was the perfect curve, created by yours truly.
The curve at UCI Law is seemingly generous because B+ is the mandatory median. This is only generous, however, if most students are okay with the fact that they are more likely than not going to end up in the 3.3 vicinity. It’s also only generous if few grades fall below the median. One of my first-year professors described his curve as “beautiful.” I thought, “Honey, that curve ain’t beautiful unless I’ve got an A on it!”
In my perfectly unbiased opinion, the LG Curve is the best way to go because it manages to adhere to the mandatory median while still giving students the benefit of the doubt. I suggested it to Dean Chemerinsky last semester, and he seemed open-minded. I actually think he uses a similar curve. Well, naturally!
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Lies About the 1L Experience
“If you’re a good writer, you’ll have a huge advantage as a student.”
Most first-year legal writing is almost entirely devoid of creativity and requires a penchant for monotony and verbosity. Even during second semester exams, I was very distracted by my instinct to write good prose. On a timed exam, your spelling, grammar, diction, and syntax aren’t worth a damn. And for every second you spend thinking about how to rephrase something so it flows better, you’re losing precious, precious points.
“You should learn to think beyond the legal doctrine.”
Professors will tell you it’s not about the black letter law, but it really is. And it’s about IRAC (Issue, Rule, Application, Conclusion). That’s it. Nothing else really matters. The most fascinating things—policy concerns, socioeconomic implications, historical backgrounds—are rarely tested and, for all intents and purposes, irrelevant during the first year.
“Having a life is not mutually exclusive with being a 1L.”
You can have a life. People do it. But those people do not get very much sleep, or they simply do not care about their grades, or they never had lives to begin with. To really have a life as a 1L, you have to…painstakingly…carve…out…your…opportunities.
But, hey, at least it’s not med school!
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Goodbye for Now, Boyfriend
I just found out that our beloved cat, Boyfriend, died yesterday. He was at least 12, but we’ll never know his exact age because he just started coming by our house one day and eventually decided to stay. He was blind in one eye and had a cute little birthmark on his lip. Boyfriend was a pacifist, a diplomat, and a master snuggler.
It’s been over a decade since I lost a pet and less than two years since Alex died, so Boyfriend’s death is really difficult for me. I like to think I’ll see him again, though, and I find solace in that hope.
When asked whether animals have souls and could experience an afterlife, author and veterinarian James Herriot replied, “If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. You’ve nothing to worry about there.”
Cats really are just little people in fur coats.
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Excerpt from “Who Wants to Marry a Savant?”
When she sat “Indian-style” in front of me, I realized she wasn’t wearing anything under her orange sun dress. I also noticed she didn’t shave like I did. Months later, Gina Q. would tell me to throw away my razor—at least when it came to “down there.” She didn’t think it was natural, didn’t think I should look like a twelve-year-old. I resisted at first, but I quickly came to my senses. “I want you just as you are,” she would sometimes whisper as she unbuttoned my pants.
When I first met Gina Q., she had cotton candy colored dreadlocks, a cute amount of cleavage, and a slight southern accent. But it wasn’t until I ran into her at a screening of postmodern feminist pornography/erotica that she really made an impression on me.
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Help Wanted (2010)
This California schoolgirl
Feels like Tom Hanks in Big
Dreams of purging and flying
Is at once worldly and naïve
Lacks bargaining power
Needs agency.
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Creative Baby Shower Ideas
I’m going to my first baby shower on August 15, and the mother-to-be had the
bright idea of choosing me to come up with PG-rated games! Here’s what I have so far:
- The “dirty” diaper – Fill four diapers with the following: microwaved Snickers bar, pumpkin pie filling, chocolate mousse, and slightly melted peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Have each guest take a spoon and sample each diaper treat. Make sure to take lots of (blackmail) pictures. The person in the grossest looking picture wins.
- Pin the tail on the baby – Blindfold guest and spin her around 3 times. Watch as she tries to adhere one of the following types of tails to the baby’s diaper: devil, lion, zebra, bunny, piglet, raccoon, skunk. The person with the best placed tail wins.
- Name game – Come up with mean nicknames for all the names the mom-to-be was thinking of naming her child (but didn’t). Examples: Martin = Farty; Lauren = Lard-en. The person who thinks of the meanest nickname wins.
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Team Snooki: “Jersey Shore” Returns for Round 2 on July 29
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino called her “a chihuahua spray-painted black.” Cathy Horyn, a journalist for The New York Times, likened her to “a turnip turned on its tip” and described her as “incapable of serious introspection.” A grown man punched her in the face.
Standing a mere 4 feet and 9 inches tall, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is ethnically ambiguous (turns out she’s of Chilean descent but was adopted by Italian American parents), sexually curious, and outright boisterous. She wears her hair in a signature bouffant, a smaller version of which can be seen on nearly every member of the 12-20 female demographic. Snooki is the only member of the Jersey Shore cast to have her own Wikipedia page, and fans around the world eagerly await the August release of her talking bobble head. She is like the fake-tanned, pint-sized version of reality princess Tiffany “New York” Pollard: With plenty of curves in all the right places and a strange fascination with pickles, Snooki has a penchant for grabbing attention and inciting drama.
Message boards on YouTube and all the gossip sites are littered with trash talk about the self-proclaimed “guidette,” but Snooki seems to take it all in stride. Although she battled an eating disorder in high school, Snooki maintains a relatively healthy body image, especially for a young woman under the media’s ruthless magnifying glass.
I hope the reality star has more hook-ups and fewer bruises this season, and I’m elated that she’s already signed on for round 3. Jersey Shore would not be nearly as wet or as wild without her.
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Goo Goo for Gaga
Have you ever liked someone as a friend or acquaintance or even distant contact and—FLASH! BAM! ALAKAZAM!—all of a sudden and without warning, you felt much more strongly?
Lady Gaga, I think I love you.
I fought the feeling at first. I considered her act wannabe Madonna and wondered when her 15 minutes of fame would run out. I dissed “Just Dance” and “Poker Face” and even called her outfits and performance at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards “outright ridiculous.”
But I have since changed my mind. Lady Gaga is like a lascivious mutant love child of Madonna, Elton John, Gwen Stefani, Cher, and David Bowie. Her performances are completely over-the-top, her voice is spectacularly versatile, her wardrobe is bizarre/sexy/original/fearless, and she identifies as bisexual. Her music defies genre, and her sexuality transcends social constructs.
Not to be arrogant, but I’m pretty sure Lady Gaga would want to have sex with me if she and I knew each other. Gaga seems like the kind of woman who gets around—not in a slutty way but in a cosmopolitan, open-minded sort of way. And although she’s admitted having sexual relationships with women (see the Barbara Walters interview), she has only been in love with men. Sounds like someone I know.
So, Gaga, hire me as your entertainment lawyer or personal trainer or backup dancer or—better yet—conjoined twin. I run circles around Alejandro.
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Excerpt from “The Rental Property”
“He’s like in this band called Orange Penis, and he only showers once or twice a week—but that’s okay with me—and he has this sorta androgynous hairstyle, and he went to Duke or Carnegie Mellon or maybe Swarthmore…” Aubrey inanely boasts.
“Sounds like a real charmer,” I roll my eyes and light a joint.
“And, I mean, his girlfriend has like the perfect body… I mean, I wouldn’t want a body like that (I don’t want to be fat!), but it’s perfect, you know?” Aubrey plucks the joint from between my fingers.
“He has a girlfriend?” I shove a handful of Nacho Cheesier Doritos into my mouth. “Are you like some sort of wannabe-indie-hipster garage band groupie or something?” Underwhelmed, I fall back into the neon green overstuffed beanbag chair in Aubrey’s living room.
“No! It’s like a post-modern meta-garage band.”
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Awkward Facebook Moments #1-3
It’s totally awkward…
#1 …when someone unacceptably rejects a friend request
Sometimes it’s not okay to not be someone’s friend. We all have different thresholds of who we will “accept” as friends on Facebook, but I think a vast majority of people would agree with me that “rejecting” or “quietly ignoring” the following people is unacceptable: someone you’ve slept with (assuming, of course, there’s no drama involved); a close friend from high school, even if you haven’t spoken for many years; a family member you’re on at least mildly decent terms with; a fourth-grade “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”; a friend’s pet or child or sibling; someone with the same first and last name as you; someone who accompanies a friend request with a totally clever message explaining why you don’t know him but should “accept” anyway.
So remember: The next time you log onto your account, think twice before rejecting or ignoring. Karma is a bitch (See awkward moment #3).
#2…when you’re in a relationship but not “in a relationship”
Tsk, tsk, tsk. I just don’t get it. I understand not putting “in a relationship” or even “it’s complicated” when “it’s” legitimately complicated or not too serious, but when two people are in a bona fide relationship, there should be some indication thereof (and leaving relationship status completely blank doesn’t count). Unless your profile is completely bare-bones, hiding love behind privacy settings is unfair to you and to your partner.
#3…when you realize you were…D-E-F-R-I-E-N-D-E-D
I’ve been on Facebook since it was called “The Facebook,” so I have quite a few friends. The great thing about having a lot of friends is that you’re much less likely to realize someone’s done the d-word to you. Unless, of course, you happen to be stalking that person. (But only sociopaths with too much time on their hands use Facebook to stalk, right?)
In all seriousness, being “defriended” is awkward as hell, especially if you have no idea as to why. It’s happened to me at least once (that I know of…eek!), and I remember thinking, “Hmmm…glad I’ll never be stumbling into you again.” Then I realized that the awkwardness would really be on the “defriender” and not the “defriendee” if the two were to cross paths again.
Think about it: What’s more awkward than bumping right smack into someone you “defriended” unnecessarily? Karma’s a bitch, indeed.
The Lollygabber 
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